A Bump In The Road

A baby bump, that is. No, not baby as in "small", but baby as in a pregnant-bump, a baby in my belly. Shocked? I was. No, devastated is more accurate. In fact, I cried for the first month at least. I couldn't even speak of it for the first two weeks and completely denied the truth in the 2 little tests with their positive signs. Why would I feel bad? I'm not pregnant. Throwing up? I must have a bug. Depression also began to creep in. We were done having kids. We felt God had given us peace in our decision to have a vasectomy. We felt our family was complete and began planning family vacations, house projects, so many new and exciting things we would be able to afford, be able to accomplish easily with 3 older kids- not another pregnancy, not another nursing baby. Each milestone Hazel hit we celebrated! We'll never have to do night feedings! We'll never have to stay in the hospital with a newborn! Another year to potty train Hazel and then no more diapers! We celebrated Hazel's last day of nursing- she decided to stop on her own 2 days before her first birthday! How wonderful! My body was my own again- the first time in nearly 5 1/2 years of pregnancy and nursing. Two days after her birthday- the first test came back positive. Two days later, another positive test. Devastation. The baby itself, I know, is a huge blessing. God has given us the opportunity to raise another life. To welcome a sweet babe into our family once again- how awesome. But I didn't want to do it again. Still, many days, I don't want to do it. We had plans, we had dreams, this baby was going to mess all of that up. I was angry.

But God knew I would be. He knew I wouldn't accept this news joyfully and that He would have to show me in His time, what joy this was going to be.

The first step- low progesterone. I had been cramping very early on with some spotting, so blood work was ordered as well as an ultrasound. My progesterone levels were very low. I was put on Promerium to help elevate the levels and keep the pregnancy viable. When a week went by and the levels weren't up to where my OB wanted them, I was put on Prometrium twice a day. The meds made me so sick. I was miserable from the all-day morning sickness, insomnia and diarrhea, BUT God now had me fighting for something- someONE I didn't even know I wanted.

The second step- An early ultrasound revealed yet another  Subchorionic Hematoma- one we'd have to monitor with regular ultrasounds. Only 1% of pregnancies have hematomas, so it's funny that this is now my 3rd and I am curious if I had a small one with Korben that never cause any issues or concerns. Each hematoma pregnancy has been worse than the last and this one has been a doozy so far. God provided this opportunity to show me the child growing within- its heartbeat, its subtle, sweet movements.

Psalm 121: 1-3
I lift up my eyes to the LORD— where does my help come from?  My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let my foot slip— he who watches over me will not slumber;

God is watching over me. I have found solace in a prayer journal given to me by our MOPs leaders, as well as comfort in confiding in prayer warriors. My prayers are for hope and for strength. For seeing the new plan God has for our family, for feelings of joy and gratitude.

Then, at 13 weeks and 3 days, another hit. Thankfully, I no longer have to take the progesterone supplements as I had reached the second trimester. The cramping and rare, occasional spotting I was experiencing in the beginning has now turned into sever cramps with significant bleeding and blood clots.  I woke up in the middle of the night with heavy bleeding and considered going to the ER. I was in a panic that we were losing the baby and couldn't sleep- yet didn't want to go to an unfamiliar ER. I waited until the morning and was able to get into my OB very quickly. The ultrasound showed the baby was alive and strong- with a heartbeat of 162. The hematoma is still there, though, and now that I am in my second trimester, the concerns for pre-term labor, as well as internal bleeding and hemorrhaging become more significant. We will continue to monitor the hematoma every 2 weeks via ultrasound. Today, the bleeding and cramping are still ongoing and I feel sluggish. I have a good plan in place with my OB about when to call her, when to go to the ER, what to look for, symptoms to watch for, etc. I feel very good about our plan and know that she is concerned, but confident everything will work out. She is willing to do appointments and ultrasounds every day if I request them, just to ease my mind.

To top it all off- my migraines have started again, just as they did with Hazel. I will have a headache for a week or more, a day or two without and then it starts again. I have my meds to take, but don't like to take them because of how they  make me feel and to avoid giving any undue meds to the baby. I have been referred to a Physical Therapist who specialized in pregnancy headaches and will see her for the first time tomorrow.

At my ultrasound yesterday, I asked the tech to take a peak to see if we could find out what we are having. It is still early to be sure, but we think we may have an idea of what our future family of 6 will look like. Now to find the perfect name!

We are praying that God shine through all of this, that we can be thankful to HIM to good and bad. I have learned, through my pregnancy with Hazel and the last 14 months with her in our lives that it is better to be truly honest and REAL about everything that is motherhood. If you ask me how I'm doing... you likely won't get an "ok" answer, I'll let you know exactly how I'm feeling, how I'm managing and what God is teaching me that day.

I wanted to share this with all of you because I know many of you have incredible faith and are amazing at prayer. Please pray for:

- hope, that I can see this as an amazing journey and that God will be glorified by this new life, that life will get easier after the 4th is born and that the post-partum phase can be happy and exciting
- strength, that I can be rested, relaxed and trust that God will provide for all of our needs
- time management, that I not feel the constant need to clean, pick-up, tidy the house, and entertain the kids, but rather can relish in my dirty dishes and enjoy some peace on the couch instead! (you know this is so hard for me!)
- health for the baby and myself, that we trust God can cure and heal and that He be with the Doctors who are treating us